SPORT wrestling...it's fake you know
VEGETABLE radishes or beets
FRUIT watermelon or strawberries
CARD GAME poker...it's so complicated...i wish i could play... oh, and war, because it's totally luck
ANIMAL i could probably think of one too...
NUMBER 6...
QUOTE OR SAYING "it's cause i'm black, isn't it?" (aka the biggest copout in the world, as used by XBF as a way to get out of getting in trouble for the things he did wrong)
BREAKFAST FOOD breakfast pizza... i think it's disgusting
TIME OF DAY early early morning
TEENAGE FASHION um...i don't know...
ICE CREAM FLAVOR strawberry
DEPARTMENT STORE k-mart
TV SHOW uh...that boo-bah show on public television
ACTOR vin diesel
ACTRESS i don't know...
RAPPER tie between 50 cent, eminem, and cassidy
FLOWER marigolds
BOARD GAME monopoly, mostly just because i have no clue how to play
MONTH january...it's so dull...it's winter, and right after all the holidays...it just sucks
DAY OF THE YEAR june 25, 2005...i'm convinced i'm cursed...SEE MY PREVIOUS ENTRIES to find out why
SPORT TO WATCH wrestling...we already covered this...
SPORTS DRINK gatorade...it's pointless...just empty calories
ALCOHOLIC DRINK eww, beer!
POP mountain dew or sprite/sierra mist
FOOD anything from a pig: sausage, bacon, ham, pork
COLOR burnt orange
SCENT skunk, b.o.
RESTAURANT anything fast food
BOY NAME michael (not my lil' buddy, but i think of my uncle mike, who is a disgusting pervert...*shudders*)
GIRL NAME tuwonda...lmao...that really is a horrible name though
DESSERT least favorite dessert? are you crazy?
CANDY BAR heath
BRAND NAME faded glory...i think that's a wal-mart brand
TEAM the Iowa Hawks...they suck!
BOOK i don't read enough to have a least favorite
VIDEO GAME pretty much every one
GAME those stupid games where they like twist your arm or whatever...i don't know what it's called...nevermind lol
WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS?
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN YEARS?
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE TEACHER AND WHY?
WHAT ACTIVITIES ARE YOU INVOLVED IN?
WHAT HAVE YOU ENJOYED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL SO FAR?
WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE TO UNDERCLASSMEN?
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?
WHO INFLUENCED YOU THE MOST IN HIGH SCHOOL?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON A MILLION DOLLARS?
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL>?
WHAT WERE SOME OF YOUR GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS DURING HIGH SCHOOL?
WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING OR MEMORABLE MOMENT ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
WHAT KIND OF JOBS HAVE YOU HAD?
IF YOU COULD CHOOSE THREE PEOPLE TO HAVE DINNER WITH, WHO WOULD THEY BE AND WHY?
WHAT IS SOMETHING NOT VERY MANY PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT YOU?
BAND OR MUSICAL ARTIST metallica...reminds me of my ex-boyfriend jonathan
SPOTLIGHT
[09-16-05] . I want to go to DePaul University in Chicago and major in Graphic Design.
[10-20-05] . I want to go to DePaul University in Chicago and major in Graphic Design with a minor in Advertising.
[12-02-05] . I will go to DePaul University in Chicago and major in Art.
[04-05-06] . I will go to Iowa State University in Chicago and major in Graphic Design.
[09-16-05] . Either living in northern or downtown Chicago and doing art for a living.
[09-16-05] . Either Mrs. K. or Mrs. P., because they are both so smart, down to earth, and funny.
[09-16-05] . Nothing really, I'm a boring person.
[09-24-05] . Drill Team and Dance.
[10-20-05] . Musical set construction and Dance.
[12-02-05] . Dance.
[02-25-06] . Spring play and Dance.
[09-16-05] . Being around my friends.
[10-20-05] . As corny as it sounds, making memories that I can look back at later and laugh at.
[05-23-06] . Graduating!
[09-16-05] . Once you're completely satisfied, you've failed. (As Mr. Edison said...)
[09-16-05] . Drawing, working on the computer, and hanging out with my friends.
[09-16-05] . Nobody, I just did my own thing.
[09-16-05] . Give a third to charity, save a third, and go shopping with the rest!
[02-25-06] . Pay for my school, and then buy a house.
[09-16-05] . This was pretty much already asked...see above.
[09-16-05] . The drama. One day could be the best day of your life, the next day could be the worst.
[09-16-05] . Getting my artwork on a book cover.
[02-25-06] . All the artwork I've done and how I got my name around.
[09-16-05] . When I accidentally threw Ms. K.'s marker out the window.
[09-16-05] . I'm a cashier at Hy-Vee and I volunteer at the park.
[09-16-05] . Jesus...because, well, it's Jesus; Ludacris...because, well, it's Ludacris; and Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp...at the same time. *wink wink*
[09-16-05] . I sponsor a girl in El Salvador.
Today is Thanksgiving. I had to work from 8 to 1 today, so I got home just in time to make apple salad and green beans and then we ate. I've been pretty pleased with myself lately; in the last week or two I've eaten less than I allowed for myself. Granted, it's still not as little as I would actually like, but for the most part, I'm doing well. Like, for example, there have been quite a few times (at least during one meal/snack per day) within the last week that I've just looked at my food and thought, I don't need that much, and I just won't eat it. Like the other day I decided I didn't want to eat my whole crescent roll, and today I planned on eating a big meal, probably seconds on salad and green beans and a large portion of priest potatoes, and I ended up only having 1/2 cup of green beans, 3/4 serving of priest potatoes, and 1/2 serving apple salad. Then tonight I planned to eat 3 or 4 pieces of lefse and some yogurt, and I decided to eat just one piece of lefse and some yogurt instead. Last weekend Grandma and Poppa came up and we went out to eat and they wanted to go out to eat (none of the rest of us wanted to...at least I didn't). Poppa's salmon was still cold in the middle, and they had already salted all my vegetables (I dislike salt). So good thing I took my own banana and peanut butter! When we were there I had a banana with peanut butter and a few bites of everything I got (corn, beans, and fruit cocktail, but I didn't eat the fruit). I'm finally getting some willpower! Hooray!
On another note, I was reading the Des Moines Register this morning, and as usual I was only reading the "Iowa Life" section, because everything else takes too long to go through, and I don't have that kind of time in the mornings. So I read the comics, 2 Cent Worth, and Dear Abby. Well, on the Dear Abby/2 cent worth page there was a huge article called "Dying to be Thin" or something like that. And there's this documentary on HBO coming out called Thin which tracks the lives of four anorexic girls as they go through therapy. I thought it looked really interesting, but I have to wait till the weekend to see it because we don't get HBO here. So I was really excited about it, and I was telling my mom on the phone (leaving out specific details) and I said that it was about society's pressures on girls to be skinny, and it was probably the opposite of Supersize Me (we love that movie) in the sense that whereas in Supersize Me, society puts out food that makes Americans fat, in Thin, it's about Hollywood putting out ideas that super-skinny is the way to be. And my mom was like..."Oh, that sounds cool, but they probably exaggerate it and trace the lives of like anorexic girls or...girls like that."
I've been really excited the last few days! It snowed, so I had to find some way to jog, so I went to the track at the gym; I never went earlier because I didn't know it was free. But it is! And I jogged 2 miles this morning! Whoo-hoo!
And I got 6 pairs of underwear at American Eagle for $12.50! Yay for bargains!
And I'm almost done with my drawing! After forever, it's about time!
It seems more and more I enjoy eating in my room by myself. It's not lonely anymore and I look forward to the days when I don't have to go to the UDCC and eat a tremendous amount of food when I'm not hungry. Just a random thought...
Oh, and I went jogging again tonight. It's like 65 degrees, so I decided to take advantage of that. It was so awesome, I went all the way around campus without stopping and I only sweated a tiny bit. I'm getting more in shape -- yay!
...And my iTunes doesn't work. This sucks!
Oh, but on another note, I lost .6 pound while I was at home, bringing me to 119.4 for today, which is pretty good but I'm hoping some of it is water-weight (I drank water like a mofo while I was there - at least 2 liters on Saturday and Sunday!) and I exercised so much. Oh, and I weighed myself on the scale at home and I weighed 117.0, but I don't know if it's because that scale is getting old and kind of not right (my scale is brand new) or what. But it still made me happy!
Now it's sleepytime...
Veggie burger and hamburger bun - 225
1/4 of a peach half
3/4 c sliced pears
3 breadsticks (2=150) - 225 - YUCK
1 1/4 c green beans
1 c cauliflower
For supper I will have a banana with 2 T peanut butter, and depending on whether they have beans for my salad, I may eat another veggie burger or I have 3 kringlas left over in my room. I hate eating, it's too much pressure. I'm disgusted by 120, I don't even want to weigh myself tomorrow - what if I weigh more? YUCK, 120 is way too much anyway but at least I'll have access to a treadmill tomorrow.
Then yesterday was Homecoming. I got all dressed up and stuff but I had to leave early because I was so cold, even when I had on three layers, two winter coats, a blanket, and I was sitting in a heated box. It was freezing and I couldn't get my body temp down.
Today Mom and I went shopping. I'm into kid's sizes now, which is exciting. I found some jeans that fit at Target -- yay! They were a 3 though, I forgot Target jeans are always so big (at American Eagle, a 0 is too big for me). But that's cool. I'm excited.
I was just looking around on some pro-ana sites, and I feel better; I feel like I got my fix for the day (LOL -- kidding!). I've eaten 1586 calories today, I wanted to get below 1500, but I had some grapes so hopefully that will make everything move through my system a little faster.
Man I'm tired, it's bedtime!
119.8, down from 120.6 yesterday, but today feels fat so I feel like I'm going to gain for tomorrow.
I couldn't jog this morning because it was raining, so instead I just went back to my room and was unproductive. (I was even ahead on time -- I could have ran longer!)
43 grapes and 3/4 bowl Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast. (Too much by the time I started eating the cereal -- I was glad I didn't eat it all but I still feel fat.)
Salad and green beans and banana for lunch. I got a roll too and I didn't eat it and I'm glad because right now I'm really anxious (I couldn't concentrate on my Math exam). I don't know what I'm going to do for tonight because I have to eat for two reasons: 1) I'm not eating supper tomorrow and I didn't eat supper yesterday. 2) I don't have enough good food in my room to last me both today and tomorrow when I don't eat. I hate it; I wish I could curl into a ball and not have to eat but unfortunately I do have to eat and therefore I have to worry about it. I shouldn't have had the green beans but I figured they are only 17 calories per half-cup so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but if I would have waited until supper to eat the green beans I could have eaten less calories and (maybe) more food. The more I think about it, I would rather just stay in my room to eat; going out is a pain in the @#$% anyway; it takes too much time. I wanted to get under 1500 to make up for yesterday (1700) and the day before (2100!), but I don't think I'm going to be able to do that; I've had like 1100 calories today.
English.
Speaking of @#$%hole psychologists, Ted is engaged. Hoooooooly @#$%. Good for him. No, really. I can't say that I feel that it'll be forever, but he's always been focused on the immediate present anyway. Seriously. Man, I should shut up, I'm in a bad mood, LOL.
Another thing...everytime I think about this, tears well up in my eyes. What if I gain the Freshman 15?
I got my back braces off on Tuesday. It's kind of weird not having them on, but I can definitely get used to it! I get the front brackets off tomorrow. That's when I get my retainer. I don't know how I feel about the retainer thing. I might get annoyed with it and just want to have the pretty white teeth right now. But I have a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth, so at least I don't have to wear a retainer on the bottom ones all day (just at night).
My mom and I went to Chicago from Wednesday to Friday. It was fun, although I was a little disappointed with the food, and there were hardly any street performers. We ate at Gino's (deep dish pizza, finally!) and the Rosebud, which was in Little Italy, so we rode a cab there and back to Michigan Avenue, where our hotel was. Otherwise we walked everywhere. On Thursday we walked four hours (our record, however, is eight). It was great fun. I wanna go back!
Let's see...what else. Aubrey and my mom and I went to Des Moines a week from last Friday because two of my art pieces were showing in the Iowa State Fair (Lika and Behind Blue Eyes...). On our way we stopped in Ames to see if I had any books in (I didn't). Then I wanted to see the buildings where all my classes were, so we walked around a little bit, and my mom wanted to see if Friley was open. I was kind of @#$% cause I was like, "Mom, you're so dumb. They're not gonna let us in just cause I live there next semester. They're just gonna say I can wait until the sixteenth." Sure enough, the building was open, and they let us go up! So we went up and looked around my house. It was pretty cool, kind of old though. But we looked for my room and there was a note on the door that said someone was already there (it was Kyrstin's stuff; she hadn't moved in yet though), so we looked in Erika's room next door and the double next to her room to kind of get an idea of how it's going to be. Then we looked in the den and found the bathrooms. I'm a little nervous about those because there aren't very many shower stalls; my mom made it sound like the bathroom was going to be huge and it really wasn't. Oh well, we'll see on Wednesday!
Oh yeah, and the deviantArt thing. Aubrey told me that Parker came in to the restaurant and bragged about how good my vector art was. Okay, what?
On another note, tomorrow is Aubrey's birthday, and one week until I get my braces off! Yay!
So yea I had an anxiety attack at work...again. And it was so weird, it was like I was in a big bubble or something like how you see on the movies, everything was moving so fast... So the shift manager let me go to break and as soon as I did I went over to Italian (boo) to find Mitch, and I found him over in the kitchen area, and I asked if he would work until 10 for me. And he pretty much said, "No, I'm tired." So I went upstairs and started panicking and he came up and found me and pretty much sat there with me for two minutes, enough to see me looking like @#$% but not long enough to do anything about it. I understand though, because we were all so uncomfortable when Rachel had panic attacks, we pretty much just left her in the corner to deal with it herself. So I went back downstairs and the shift manager let me go. So I was freaking out today, not wanting to go back to work (it wasn't that bad) and I was really @#$%. But now I'm okay. I just hope when I work Friday (6:30-11, how much does that suck!) I don't freak out the same way. I put in my two weeks' notice today though, so my last day (until Thanksgiving break) will be August 5.
So yeah, Mitch kind of intrigues me. He's stopped talking to me as much. Used to be every time he was online he'd say hi, and he'd text me a couple times a day, and now he's pretty much stopped talking to me. It's like a light switch. Kind of makes me sad, because I didn't even do anything, but hey, what are you gonna do about it, I suppose...
All right, so I was checking out our favorite ex-boyfriend's Facebook pictures. And there's one of them that my mom took (that yes, he still has up) of him in a suit because we were going to a fancy restaurant. Okay, fine and dandy, right? But then the caption was, and I quote: "Me...chillin...I think i went out on a date that night". Um, what? Okay, I'll answer that one for ya. Yeah, you did. Just because you have a girlfriend now doesn't mean that you never had one before that. Whatever. I just don't like having my existance being denied. But then I started thinking about the @#$% that happened two summers ago. And I realized that I still haven't forgiven him. I sure as @#$% want to, because who wants to be hung up on something like that for years? But come on now. He really didn't talk about it too much after the fact; it was just forgotten. I haven't forgotten it! Every single time I hear his name I think about that incident. I was wondering if I subconsciously keep him in my life (at a distance) so I can watch his life (hopefully) unravel like mine did after that. Maybe not. I don't know how I feel. I just feel like he should be kissing my @#$% for the rest of his life to make up for that. Not like hardcore, but just being a nicer person than he is. I went through so much @#$% from what he did it's not even funny. It haunts me every day of my life. Thank God I found the strength to pull myself up from it. But still...I wish more than anything right now I could just let it go; Good Lord, it happened two years ago! I was fourteen. What kind of a fourteen-year-old girl should go through that? I could completely get over it if he wasn't there; there's something @#$% up about having someone you love and someone who supposedly loves you sitting there allowing and encouraging that to happen. That opened my eyes to a whole other world of people. Before that the world was so nice and I was so naive. And if you ever read this, I hope one day you'll understand what I went through, and am still going through. I would never in a million years wish that to happen to you (not even to my worst enemy...ever). Just one day I hope you're able to understand the depths of your actions. What you decided to do in two minutes affected my life for two years and counting. And if you get mad from what you're reading, @#$% you. It would just prove you to be a self-absorbed @#$%. You did it, and I suffered for it, and you find the audacity to be mad at me? Well, nothing's saying you're mad, but whatever. I hope one day, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but one day, it hits you like a brick. You hurt me in the worst way possible. Like I said, I never in a million years wish for it to happen to you, but I think if you even understood a fraction of what I've gone through, your life would change forever. Maybe some people wouldn't be as bothered by it, but like I said, I didn't want to (I'm not a @#$% @#$% that some people expect me to be), and you encouraged it and allowed it to happen. I haven't forgiven you, and I probably never will. I'll leave you with this thought: You so badly @#$% up my outlook on life, my opinion of men, and my ability to trust people. My outlook on life right now is amazing, I'm slowly learning to see men as more than just selfish horny @#$%, but as of right now I can count on one hand the people I trust. Good job.
So the other night I told Mitch I liked him, and he was basically like, "That's nice." And for a while I thought he just flat-out rejected me, but then I read through it, and maybe he likes me, but didn't say anything. So I was like, Why wouldn't he say anything? I was the one who put my @#$% on the line, it would have been so easy for him to just say, 'Guess what. I like you too.' But he didn't. So I was like, Yeah, he doesn't like me. But okay, so he doesn't like me, why is he still texting me twice a day and talking to me on MSN? So then I was like...@#$%. He's leading me on. Then I was like, Maybe he's just friendly. Maybe he talks to his friends a lot like that. So then I was like, Well, that takes a lot of work. He would have to have a lot of free time. So maybe he does like me? And thus completes the rollercoaster I've been on since last Saturday.
My mommy and I are planning another trip to Chicago! Yay! Hopefully the 9-12, if things work out right, otherwise we might have to leave on the 11th. Sadness...but yes I am uber-excited about it. Aubrey was in Chicago a few days ago on her way to Europe, and she said it's awesome, and she can totally see why I love it so much. Fun stuff, I'm totally jealous.
I don't know if I've written this on here yet, but I get my braces taken off August 8. (Otherwise we could leave for Chicago the 8-11, but nope, gotta stay for them @#$% braces.) I totally can't wait; it's not even funny. I'm so excited. And then I get my retainer on August 14, two days before I leave for Ames. Yay!
Aubrey left for Europe today. She texted me and said there's so many hot guys -- I'm totally jealous, to say the least. She'll be gone for like 23 days, I think.
So Hamburger died. The same way and place that Gizmo died. Not cool man. So we go to the pet store and they say, "Gerbils are so sweet...I've never in my life heard of a gerbil biting anyone!" So we got a gerbil named Pepper, who seemed the healthiest and most active of all the rodents there. Yeah, and last night I get home from the band thing (which I'll get to in a second) and I picked him up being all nice and stuff...he clamps his @#$% teeth down in my finger and won't let go! Just keeps biting harder and harder, so I put him over the cage, and he still is hanging on to my finger by his teeth! Ouch! So I fricking had tears in my eyes afterward (doesn't happen too often). So needless to say...the gerbil is going.
And last night I went to watch Mitch's band play again. They did pretty well. There were a couple bands that I haven't heard yet: ADHD and Time and Distance. ADHD had some really awesome guitar-things (how do you like my terminology) and Time and Distance...yeah, I just liked the music. Good stuff. There were five bands total. In this tiny little building, too. They blew a fuse three times! Sheesh...
So, time for confessions. Yay! So I really wanna tell Mitch I like him, hopefully ASAP. I'm prepared for anything...hopefully. Well, at least he'll know, and I won't be just sitting here like, Um, yeah, so what is going on? Yep. Good stuff.
First of all, I (kind of) lied to my grandma so I wouldn't have to work at the zoo today. I honestly would rather go to the ortho than sit around with a bunch of stinky dirty lambs chewing on my nice jeans. So I called the receptionist at the orthodontist and was like, "Yeah, can you get me in today?" And she said no, so I talked to my mom and I was like, "Mom, I really don't feel like going today. Will you call her?" So my mom lied for me. *sigh* I feel really bad.
And last night Mitch found out I'm sixteen. He was kind of joking around about how he can't talk to me anymore, etc., but I feel kind of bad because it probably looks like I was trying to hide stuff from him (which I wasn't), and I just hope he's not weirded out. It's not that big of a deal (at least I don't think) because we're less than 2 years apart, but whatever. Maybe he is? I don't know.
Yay, I got Facebook yesterday! And Ted messaged me, LOL. After not sending me a comment on MySpace, sheesh. "okay i see you have made your way onto facebook thas wassup....much love stay blessed holla." That was a nice little message; it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I was gonna say something else on here, but I forgot. Grrr...
Thought of the day: Boys suck.
With that being said, I gotta describe my weekend. First of all, I went to the movies with Mitch on Friday night and we saw The Breakup. I've told so many people about how badly it sucked that I really don't feel like getting into too much detail. The first half was total comedy, then it did a 180 and the second half it was a sappy chick flick. And they didn't even get together in the end. What was the point of this movie?
Then last night, I went to a 'concert' at some kid's house that hosted 5 bands, including Mitch's band. Gotta show some love. So yeah...In Parenthesis was first. I found my friend Royce and a couple of his gay friends that I had never met in my life; after about five minutes they were hanging all over me and joking around like we've known each other since who knows when. Kind of funny, but it was cool because at least I felt comfortable and stuff. So then Royce and Friends left, and I talked to Mitch for a while. We basically just stood around and listened to the bands, and I met a few of his friends and his sister, who looked extremely familiar. But anyway, yeah and then at about 1:00 this morning I get a text from him saying thanks for coming (a couple times) and sorry I didn't hang out with you that much. I was like, aww!
And my mom and I are going to the pet store today to buy a hamster. I said Cucumber, but I was talking to Mitch and he suggested the name Hamburger, and I figured Hammy for short. How cute is that? I totally wish I could take credit, Hamburger is an awesome name. LOL.
Right now, I'm okay. As far as life and boys are concerned, I'm just going with the flow. Whatever happens, happens, and I'll deal with it when I come to it. Lately I've been like that; usually I like everything to be so planned out, like, Okay, by this time, I'll have done this or this will happen, and I'll feel like this, and now I'm like @#$% that. I'm riding the wave that is life...
My mom is @#$% @#$% me off right now. I get less and less patience for her as the days wear on. She is extremely judgemental, which I have always known, but kind of been able to ignore, but now she is doing this thing where she's dissing me for the people I hang out with. One day she told me I had no friends. Like, what the @#$% is that? So today were were just talking about random stuff and out of nowhere I asked her if it would work if I let someone else use my meal card for ISU, and if it just took it off of my meals. And she was like, "Well, they would just use their own meal card." And just being stupid, I was like, "Well...what if they're not from Iowa State?" And she was like, "Tori, I don't think you'll have that many people from high school visiting you while you're at college." What the @#$%, mom? What is that? And I called her out on it, like, "There is no reason why you should feel the need to say that. It was completely unnecessary and didn't help anything." And she was like, blah, blah, blah, or whatever, and we were going back and forth a little bit, and finally she was like, "Okay, Tori. You know what? Nate probably isn't going to visit you because he won't have a car." I was like, "What the @#$%? Nate? What? I wasn't even remotely talking about him!" And she was like, "Well, I know that he e-mailed you yesterday, and then you acted all weird and went out to the car to talk to him..." And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. How did you know he e-mailed me?" And supposedly I had my e-mail pulled up, and so, yeah, it was fair game. That is such bull@#$%. Our monitor shuts off after like 10 minutes. And usually no one even touches my computer while I'm gone. So...ugh. I'm @#$% @#$%. She thinks she knows so much, she's all high-and-mighty and everyone outside of our immediate family is just complete and total @#$%. Except Aubrey. She likes Aubrey. But other than that, my high school is crap, the people in my high school are crap, and the whole @#$% town is a piece of crap. She's so condescending it's not even funny, and no talking in the world will get her to realize it. But you even try talking to her, and she has this dirty way of fighting. She'll accuse you of something, so you defend yourself, and then she @#$% you out for "yelling" at her. Maybe I'm a hypocrite for saying all this @#$%, because I'm probably just a mini-version of her, but I can't @#$% stand her right now.
And she was just standing over me saying, "Make sure you write everything I said in there," and I turned around and said, "What was that for?" And she was like, "I know you're mad, and you're frantically typing." So? @#$% you. But yeah, she said that she is just "upset" with me for calling Nate as soon as I got home, and I was like, "That's none of your business why I called him. I did what I did, it's over. Don't take @#$% out on me for one stupid thing I did." And she said something about not wanting me to go back out with him or something. Well, sorry sweetie. So she's upstairs now, but we were talking about how right after I broke up with Ted we got into a bunch of arguments too. And she said that Ted was fueling the fire, and yeah, he was, but I told her she was doing it on the other side too both then and now. And she denied it, but whatever. So I was like, "If I do remember right, the last three times Nate has come up in our conversation it's been because of you." And she just sat there. And I was like, Ha! What now? So now we're all cool and stuff, it was just a minor freakout, but she gave me permission to flip a @#$% if she said anything bad about Nate or any of my other friends. I was like, "I get it. You don't like Nate. I don't need to hear it for the sixth time today. The more negatively you talk about him, the more negatively I look at you." Silence. I savor the few times that I'm actually right.
Speaking of which, on my list of emotions for the day is: [1] sad, [2] confused, [3] angry, [4] frustrated, [5] embarassed, and [6] scared. I'm really sad about this whole thing, as ironic as it is. Yes, I broke up with him, so I don't know if I should be all peppy and like, Yay, I'm single! or however you're supposed to be after you break up with someone. I don't know. I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone; I know @#$% well I probably won't get it. I broke up with him and then I said some pretty @#$% stuff about it. So, okay, no sympathy. But this is how I feel. There's so many layers to it; I don't even know where to start, and the whole he-might-see-this thing is making me hesitate after about every sentence, but here we go. I'm so confused right now. Like I said, I'm not asking for sympathy. I @#$% up and I'm a @#$%. Just so we have that covered. But I actually feel like maybe I do actually have emotions deep down there somewhere, I feel really @#$% about this whole thing, and I just want things to be like how they were. Like, pre-breakup. That's right @#$%, I said it. Maybe I feel like this temporarily, maybe in a week I won't feel like that, but right now I still like him and I want to go back and...yeah. And it kind of saddens me about this whole thing because after what I said, I know that basically when we get back together is when Hell freezes over. Because, you can forgive someone or accept their apology or whatever, but that doesn't erase what was said. I am so thankful that he decided to even listen to me, because @#$%... Anyway, I know that it will definitely take a lot for him to be able to move on from what was said. Which is why...we go back to square numero uno. I want to go back out with him, I think. Who knows. I just want to talk to him and see him in person, and...yeah. I don't know. I want to know how he really feels about the whole situation, which I know is kind of corny me being a girl and all, saying, I want to talk!, but seriously, I want to see him. Lord knows now he's gonna read this, but whatever. Let him read it. As a matter of fact, hello there. What's up buddy? Hope you're having a splendid time reading this. And this...I keep reading it, it's all about what a @#$% I am. It's like a train wreck almost, definitely not the most flattering of all things, but I keep reading every single sentence over and over and, like, absorbing all of it. I don't know if that's good or bad, kind of like mental suicide, because like I said, it's not very flattering even remotely. But it's...I don't know. I just can't dismiss it. I know why, but maybe I just don't want to admit to it. There's a little truth to it. I am judgemental, I was always taught by my parents that judging people gets you out of bad situations and stuff. Maybe that was their excuse to judge people, I don't know. That's not an excuse for me or anything, I realize it and I'm going to try to work on it. Enough said. But...yeah. I've read this stupid thing too many times now to count. So yeah...I keep thinking the same things over and over. I @#$% up. I want @#$% to go back to how it was. I'll probably never ever get the balls to tell him so. Yeah, I broke up with him. I'm not supposed to change my @#$% mind. And I guess right now he has the best opportunity to take revenge on me for saying that @#$% about him. He finds out I still like him and he could just be like, "@#$% you, @#$%." So...yeah. Thus concludes the reasons why I am sad.
I feel like that was really unorganized. Therefore, I is confoosled.
Angry...ah, our friend Anger. Also another reason why I'm confused and why I keep saying I think I want to go back out with him. He is currently (well, last time I talked to him) "bribing" me to be on his Top 8. And my response to this is, "Wait, what?" I say "bribing" because I don't really know what it is. My take on this is like, if I'm you're friend, I'm your friend. What's this about making Tori look like a retard? Let's be nice here. I'm pretty positive it's all in fun, joking around, not a big deal, but still...kind of uncomfortable with the whole situation. So I am like supposed to do karaoke, which is no big deal; @#$%, I'd do it anyway. I'm a horrible singer, but who really gives a @#$%, I'd do it. But not in this situation. Like, I don't get it. It's funny, but nonetheless. Still. Like I said, I just want to talk to him and see what he thinks about @#$%.
Which makes me frustrated. Because I know @#$% well I won't get a chance to.
Embarassed. Yes, you'd be embarassed too. I'm not an emotional person, and all the sudden I'm sitting here like Oh-Em-GEE I want my boyfriend back! Um, yeah. But I'm here, I'm saying it. It's true. Whatever.
Yeah, a little scared. Scared of getting hurt, but that's nothing new. We all know about that now.
And on top of it all, I have nothing to do for the next two days! Yay! Mother@#$%...I have nothing to do but sit here, think about @#$%, and eat. Ohhh...and eat. Just what I need...
P.S. -- To the guy that this is about, if you're reading this, you probably know that it's you, but don't be embarassed or mad or whatever that you're in here. Like, I wasn't gonna put you on here after everything...I don't know. Not very many people read this. But I kind of wanted you to see it. I do have a heart, and if you want me to take it down, just say something. That is all.
Then I had some time to kill before work, so I'm like, "Yay, I'm gonna hop on the computer and check my e-mail." Well, good idea, Tori. Not gonna go into a whole lot of detail, but basically this website got my @#$% in trouble once again. So a lot of these posts will be taken off here in the near future. But yeah, basically...I wrote some @#$% that I really and truly didn't mean and just said in anger and frustration. Like, my last post, what the @#$%, dude? Was I drunk or something? Because I read it just now and I'm like...Yeahhh...um, no. I don't know. But I got a really nasty e-mail this morning that basically told me I'm a @#$% and I should burn in Hell for everything I said. And I just kind of sat there in a daze. Which, I gotta say, it was 100% justified. Because usually when people are mad at me, it's not justified, so it's just like, "Whatever, you nutjob, @#$% you too." But I was like, Yeah, I really was at fault, and I really did @#$% up. Like, hardcore, too. I really did say some @#$% I didn't mean, and I felt really bad about what I wrote, so I was gonna take it off, but I never got around to it until it was too late. Man, oh man, I @#$% up. Like, reading through this (good Lord), I...yeah. I was gonna write a little thing on here, from me to you, but I decided right now I should probably keep my mouth shut. Anyway, just know that my way of dealing with my feelings is either laughing it off (doesn't work out too good in most situations) or getting angry/@#$%. Not one of my greatest features, but what I said was in the heat of the moment and it was my way of pushing off my feelings. That's how I can go for months without crying. I used to cry all the time while I was with Ted, but after we broke up I decided it wasn't worth it, so I found other ways to vent. Like I said, laughing and getting angry. Not too cool, and I'm seriously, from the bottom of my heart sorry. But I don't want to say anything else about it; as of right now things are good. But anyway, out of respect and all that great stuff, I'm taking off a few of these posts.
That was like, the biggie (LOL, I just said 'biggie'), but also, my text messages aren't working! Last night I was kind of irritated that Aubrey didn't send me a text to tell me she wasn't gonna be over at my house, but then Mitch said something about he was sad that I didn't text him back. And I was like, "Uh...wha?" So yeah...I feel disconnected from the world. *tear* But at least my phone works. And we actually have @#$% electricity today.
My mom just made me do my own laundry. How much does that blow.
Oh, and my house smells like B.O. because my mom is making rhubarb crisp. I ate all the stuff to go on top. Yeah, like that will help my 126.5 pound stomach. Ugh.
But before I get done, I asked my mom about this whole River Riot concert, and she said I can go! Yay! How hilarious is that...she didn't let me go to a Staind concert with Nate, but she's letting me go to a 10-hour concert with someone she's met for like five minutes. She thinks he's hot, that's pretty much it LOL. But yeah, and I was talking to Kara (AKA the concert queen) and she's going now too, so I asked if Brad turns out to be a total weirdo, I could ride with her, and she said @#$% yeah. So we're good to go! Yay, I'm excited!
So last night at about 11:30 I was putting lotion in my hands and I decided to go down to the computer real quick. Well, with the lotion in my hand and everything, and me jumpity-hopping down the stairs, I tripped and fell and ended up completely on my back. My mom woke up and ran over to me, and I was all sprawled out on the stairs, and she was like, "Is anything broken, blah, blah, blah..." And I was like, "No," but I looked down at my feet, and I had kicked a hole in the wall. So there was my foot through the wall down by the floor. LOL. Momma didn't think it was quite so funny. There's this huge heel-sized hole in the wall, so my dad spent literally all day patching up this hole, because OMG you know. No, I won't give anyone @#$% about that, it was kind of an ugly hole.
My mom and I officially did the funniest thing in the world. Let me backtrack so this makes sense. My mom has Yahoo! Messenger, and she always signs in as invisible. Well, she's gone to Ted's profile/blog for Yahoo, and he writes these blog entries about his life, etc. So he'd been going out with this chick who dumped him for another guy (bet that was fun). Then they broke up, and now everyone hates the girl. Not quite sure how Ted and this other guy get along, but we'll see tomorrow, because this other guy had a quiz on his page called "How Well Do You Know Me?" So my mom clicked on it, and it asked for a name and e-mail. We used Ted's (self-given) nickname as an alias, and used his e-mail as an e-mail address. (It needed an e-mail so it can send the results there.) So we took this quiz, that everyone's going to see, and cuss Ted out for it. But it gets better...not ten minutes after we took the quiz, I all casually sign onto Yahoo! Messenger (that I haven't been on in about two years) and say, "Hey, what's up? I know you're not there, but I just wanted to say hi...So how's your summer been going? (wink)...Well, anyway, don't be a stranger, I'll TTYL." LMAO. That is some @#$% funny-@#$% @#$%. Ahh, good times. Oh, and to any black @#$% that read this and want to cuss me out and/or "rip my weave out," save your @#$% breath. I couldn't give a flying @#$% less about you or what you have to say. Do something more constructive with your time other than starting more drama (that you all hate, I know, I know). For @#$%sake. It was a @#$% joke; get over it. Same for you, Ted. I really don't give a @#$% about you anymore. Kind of funny how life works that way, isn't it? I bet two years ago you could've easily said the same thing about me. But now, I get to have fun at your expense. Life is grand. I mean, honestly. It was a joke. Get a life. Oh, and get a @#$% job.
My baby cut his hair! I asked him a week or so ago if someone gave him $50, if he would cut his hair. He said, "Eh, I don't know...you know I need the money, but I'd probably have to do it for more than that." So I was like, "If I gave you $20, would you cut your hair?" (Now, remember twenty is less than fifty...) He said he would think about it, and the next day he had an appointment for Thursday at noon. *crack* (Kidding! Man, I'd get my @#$% kicked if anyone found this blog...) So I was at work today...it was about 3:30, and all the sudden someone comes up behind me, scares the @#$% out of me. Guess what, it's Nate. Short hair. Short @#$% hair. My heart was beating so fast; he looked so different. It's hot, he looks really good. He's telling everyone that it was so he could get a job, but he tells me I gave him the extra "nudge" he needed to get it cut, otherwise, he says he wouldn't have. Oh, and I asked him how the periferal vision was working for him later when I talked to him. He says he can see--always a good thing.
So I am in the process of bribing my mom so I can go to a Staind concert on Monday. I so badly want to go. Kara has an acoustic sitting with them, so she'll be there. Aubrey and Christian want to go really badly, but Aubrey can't spend any money before her trip to Europe, so she doesn't know if she's going to make Christian pay for her or not. Ooh, buddy. I hope everything works out, because I really want to see Staind!
So yeah I talked to Rachel (Nate's ex-girlfriend, my ex-best friend) just a second ago. I was like, "So how are you and Timothy?" and she was like, "Yeah, one year on the 29th." Me: "Oh, congrats." "So how are you and Nathan?" Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. "Doin' pretty good. One month on the 29th. We're catching up to you guys." Don't think she thought it was as funny as I did, but whatever.
I am having a very hard time with my mom. She's kind of being @#$%. Like, she totally hates Nate (for me), okay, so we had this long-@#$% talk today about him and stuffs. Yeah, she really, really does not like that kid. She said I'm a BMW and Nate is the car sitting on blocks in his backyard. So yeah...she keeps making all these backhand comments. Ick. I told her to just say nothing and act like she likes him. She said okay. But she really sucks about keeping her mouth shut.
So I'm pretty unhappy with Nate right now. Not @#$% per se, but just kind of like, you son-of-a-@#$%. So last night, he was drunk, as I mentioned. And he was over at Mike's girlfriend's mom's house, so Mike and Brandi were there too. Well, all the sudden he starts talking about how horny he is, how he wants to meet me at the barn at 1:00, how he's doing this, that, and the other over on the other end of the computer. So I'm just kind of ignoring him, like okay, yeah you're really drunk, you don't know what you're talking about. Well, all of the sudden, he's like, "What's up? Did you have fun talking to Brandi?" And I'm like, "What?" "LOL, I told you that was Mikey's girl, but guess what? I saw most of that conversation." And I'm just like, "@#$% you." "No, it's cool, right? She's cool. Don't be mad, I don't want to lose you over something stupid, you're too important to me." And I just let him have it. I was cussing up a storm, and he was pretty much on his knees begging for his life. He told me that I mean so so much to him and that he'd "do anything" for me, but that it was probably to early to say that, and that he didn't have the balls to say that earlier. And whoooaaa, buddy. I don't think anyone (except my mom) has ever seen me so @#$%. I just let him have it. There were f-words and everything going everywhere. I happened to be talking to Holly at the same time, though, and so it was a little too tricky to keep going back and forth from being mad to being all happy and giggly, so I eventually ended up being completely drained. So Nate called me, and I was like, "Yeah, I'm still @#$%; you better never pull any @#$% like that again, but I don't feel like yelling anymore." And he was so apologetic, saying if he knew I'd be so upset, he would never have done it, blah, blah, blah. So he said he wanted to talk to me tomorrow (today) and that he would call me as soon as he woke up. Well, it's 5:30, so I'm thinking that he blacked out and he didn't remember any of it. @#$%.